My wife and I didn't have much planned for ourselves this Christmas. We were following whatever plans our relatives had. Once we got that out of the way we realized we didn't have all that much to do. It's Christmas Eve so we though maybe we can do some special. Maybe go Salsa dancing or catch a movie, but none of that felt right so we decided to keep it simple and stay home.
We went to our neighborhood Blockbuster to rent the first 3 discs of 24's season 6 and picked up a late-night snack at Jack In The Box. After we got home, my wife warmed up some chicken soup and I opened up a couple of boxes of chocolate truffles for the 24 marathon that we were about to embark on.
So there we were, just the 2 of us, at home on Christmas Eve huddled together on our couch watching 24. Accompanying us are a steak and egg breakfast burrito combo from Jack In The Box, some homemade chicken soup, and a good amount of Lindt and Godiva chocolate truffles. As it turns out, season 6 was extremely captivating. We ended up staying up all night watching all the DVDs we rented and finishing up all the food except for the truffles. We didn't go to bed until pretty close to sunrise on Christmas morning. We slept just enough to give ourselves enough energy to rent the last set of DVDs for season 6 and finish watching them before Christmas day was over.
Sometimes the special moments are the simplest. My wife and I (appropriately enough) for 24 hours felt like teenagers - free from any of our regularly responsibilities completely captivated by the moment. This sounds cheesy, but true - Saint Nick was real for us this Christmas. He gave us a very special Christmas that both of us will cherish for years to come.
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
What's your Traveler IQ?
Ever wonder how many places you are familiar with. There's this game that gives you a name of a place and challenges you to mark it on a map - speed and accuracy matters. It will display your "Traveler IQ" once the game is over. My wife and I wasted a good amount of time on this game. Find out how many places you can place on the map. Follow this url to play the game:
http://www.travelpod.com/traveler-iq
http://www.travelpod.com/traveler-iq
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
A very unique perspective about the Story of Oedipus
You have to read the essay titled Planes, Trains, and Plantains. It's apparently about the story of Oedipus. The author brings a very unique perspective. Just read it because I don't know how to explain it any other way. It's too funny - the author must have been high.
[Planes, Trains, and Plantains: http://static.scribd.com/docs/iyf3q21g5duht.swf]
[Planes, Trains, and Plantains: http://static.scribd.com/docs/iyf3q21g5duht.swf]
Monday, December 17, 2007
Spelling properly - possibly overrated?
According to the folks at Cambridge University, it doesn't matter the orders of the letters in the word. It only matters that the first and last letters are in the right place because the mind does not read every letter, but just the words as a whole. According to this, we should be able to read the following paragraphs:
Paragraph 1 - Gnearel Koenbi: Yaers ago, you srveed my fetahr in the Conle Wras; now he bges you to hlep him in his srtgugle anaigst the Epmrie. I rgreet taht I am uanlbe to persnet my ftaher's reeqsut to you in preosn; but my sihp has faelln udenr aattck and I'm aiarfd my msisoin to Adlraaen has flaied. I've paceld ionfrmtaion vatil to the svurival of the rbeeiloln itno the momery stsyems of tihs R2 uint. My fthaer wlil konw how to rtireeve it. You msut see tihs dirod sfealy dielvreed to him on Arleadan. Tihis is our msot daeseprte huor. Hlep me, Obi-Wan Knoebi; yuo're my olny hpoe.
Paragraph 2 - Terhe's a psasage I got moemrzeid. Ekeziel 25:17. The ptah of the rgithoeus man is bseet on all sdies by the iqeniuites of the sieflsh and the trynany of eivl men. Blsesed is he who, in the nmae of carhity and good wlil, sehhpreds the waek thourgh the vlaley of the drankess. For he is turly his botrher's kpeeer and the fniedr of lsot chlidern. And I will sritke dwon uopn tehe wtih gerat vnegaecne and fuouris agner tsohe who attmpet to pioosn and dstreoy my bortehrs. And you will kown I am the Lrod wehn I lay my vnegaence uopn you. I been syain' taht siht for yaers. And if you eevr haerd it, it maent yuor ass. I nveer ralely qesutoined waht it maent. I toughht it was jsut a clod-boolded tihng to say to a mtherofckuer bferoe you ppoped a cap in his ass. But I saw smoe siht tihs mrnoin' mdae me tihnk tcwie. Now I'm tinhkin': it culod maen yuo're the eivl man. And I'm the rgithuoes man. And Mr. 9mm hree, he's the sephherd potrcetnig my rghietous ass in the vlaley of drkanses. Or it culod be yuo're the rghitoeus man and I'm the shpehred and it's the wrlod taht's eivl and slfeish. I'd lkie taht. But that siht ani't the tutrh. The turth is yuo're the waek. And I'm the trnnayy of eivl men. But I'm tyrin', Rnigo. I'm tyirn' rael hrad to be a shpheerd.
Original Article: http://www.mrc-cbu.cam.ac.uk/%7Emattd/Cmabrigde/
Paragraph 1 - Gnearel Koenbi: Yaers ago, you srveed my fetahr in the Conle Wras; now he bges you to hlep him in his srtgugle anaigst the Epmrie. I rgreet taht I am uanlbe to persnet my ftaher's reeqsut to you in preosn; but my sihp has faelln udenr aattck and I'm aiarfd my msisoin to Adlraaen has flaied. I've paceld ionfrmtaion vatil to the svurival of the rbeeiloln itno the momery stsyems of tihs R2 uint. My fthaer wlil konw how to rtireeve it. You msut see tihs dirod sfealy dielvreed to him on Arleadan. Tihis is our msot daeseprte huor. Hlep me, Obi-Wan Knoebi; yuo're my olny hpoe.
Paragraph 2 - Terhe's a psasage I got moemrzeid. Ekeziel 25:17. The ptah of the rgithoeus man is bseet on all sdies by the iqeniuites of the sieflsh and the trynany of eivl men. Blsesed is he who, in the nmae of carhity and good wlil, sehhpreds the waek thourgh the vlaley of the drankess. For he is turly his botrher's kpeeer and the fniedr of lsot chlidern. And I will sritke dwon uopn tehe wtih gerat vnegaecne and fuouris agner tsohe who attmpet to pioosn and dstreoy my bortehrs. And you will kown I am the Lrod wehn I lay my vnegaence uopn you. I been syain' taht siht for yaers. And if you eevr haerd it, it maent yuor ass. I nveer ralely qesutoined waht it maent. I toughht it was jsut a clod-boolded tihng to say to a mtherofckuer bferoe you ppoped a cap in his ass. But I saw smoe siht tihs mrnoin' mdae me tihnk tcwie. Now I'm tinhkin': it culod maen yuo're the eivl man. And I'm the rgithuoes man. And Mr. 9mm hree, he's the sephherd potrcetnig my rghietous ass in the vlaley of drkanses. Or it culod be yuo're the rghitoeus man and I'm the shpehred and it's the wrlod taht's eivl and slfeish. I'd lkie taht. But that siht ani't the tutrh. The turth is yuo're the waek. And I'm the trnnayy of eivl men. But I'm tyrin', Rnigo. I'm tyirn' rael hrad to be a shpheerd.
Original Article: http://www.mrc-cbu.cam.ac.uk/%7Emattd/Cmabrigde/
Thursday, December 13, 2007
My ridiculous British accent reminds me of a comedy routine by Russell Peters
My coworker told me that from time to time they can hear a slight British accent in my speech. I told them, "Dude, that like totally doesn't make sense. I like totally grew up in California, Dude." If anything it would be a Californian accent. They disagreed. They then thought that it was maybe because of the time I spent in Hong Kong. I straighten them out again, "Dude, you're smoking pot. Spending 3 summers in Hong Kong would not give me anything close to a British accent." So they proceeded to ask me to say a whole bunch of phrases hoping that my slight British accent would appear. That's never going to work. Everything they throw at me at from this point on won't work because I'm self-conscious now. I personally think my coworkers are working too hard. Anyways, this exchange reminded me of this Russell Peters comedy routine about the British accent:
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Who do you think you are?
A friend forwarded a "Personality Test" to me. It's titled:
What type are YOU?
Follow the above url and you will find a series of shapes. Click on the shape you find most appealing. It's supposed to tell you what type of personality you have. Give it a try. The key is to be instinctive, don't think too much. Just choose. This will give you the most accurate result. Most of you will probably go through each shape one by one using a friggin mathematical equation to determine what is the most logical choice. Don't do this. You're only lying to yourself. This is a touchy-feely thing - not friggin quantum mechanics! Go with your instincts.
I took the test first and then I forwarded it to my wife. We both ended up choosing the same shape. Now before all ya'll give me your, "Awww that's so cute you guys must be soul-mates" nonsense (I will puke if I hear you say something like this) know that we chose the brightest and therefore the most eye-catching form. It's hard to imagine how anyone would choose any other one. At least my wife and I both stayed true to the point of the test. We both picked our choices within a few seconds after seeing the shapes. Anyways, the shape that we both chose shows that we are carefree, playful and cheerful.
Really? You think? I never would have guess...
Give it a try and tell me your results.
What type are YOU?
Follow the above url and you will find a series of shapes. Click on the shape you find most appealing. It's supposed to tell you what type of personality you have. Give it a try. The key is to be instinctive, don't think too much. Just choose. This will give you the most accurate result. Most of you will probably go through each shape one by one using a friggin mathematical equation to determine what is the most logical choice. Don't do this. You're only lying to yourself. This is a touchy-feely thing - not friggin quantum mechanics! Go with your instincts.
I took the test first and then I forwarded it to my wife. We both ended up choosing the same shape. Now before all ya'll give me your, "Awww that's so cute you guys must be soul-mates" nonsense (I will puke if I hear you say something like this) know that we chose the brightest and therefore the most eye-catching form. It's hard to imagine how anyone would choose any other one. At least my wife and I both stayed true to the point of the test. We both picked our choices within a few seconds after seeing the shapes. Anyways, the shape that we both chose shows that we are carefree, playful and cheerful.
Really? You think? I never would have guess...
Give it a try and tell me your results.
Monday, December 10, 2007
My Buddy's Theory: Bars play 80's music when it's about to close because...
I was in San Francisco's Sunset district sorta bar hopping with my 2 buddies, Wanger and Chang. I say "sorta" because we went to a grand total of 2 bars and I did not have any alcohol because I was under the weather. I know - sounds lame. Stuff like this happens after you're hitched, but not all was lost. You see, the 3 of us haven't seen each other in a while and Chang made a rare visit from SoCal. I couldn't pass up a good chance like this to give them a nice Christmas gift; MY FLU. Only the best for my buds.
As I said, I couldn't have any alcohol, but I could definitely live vicariously through them so I bought them a round and watched them enjoy it while I had my Coke with no ice. After catching up with each other for a good while, the bar suddenly started blasting Michael Jackson's "Beat It". Wanger immediately cut off whatever random conversation that was going on and said to me, "You know bars play 80's music when it's about to close."
I've never done much bar hopping so I didn't really understand his point - I had to ask, "Why's that?" Wanger explained, "They want to everyone to start singing." Chang interrupted, "It's like the climax of a show. They play 80's music." Wanger continued, "It's like those Irish pubs with their soccer songs."
They didn't answer my question; Why 80's music?
So I proceeded to ask, "So 5 to 10 years later they'll be playing 90s music, right?" Wanger replied, "Nah, there's just something about 80s music that gets everyone to sing along."
You see, just about every conversation with my buddies are of this nature - circular and inconsequential. What else can I do? Whip out my iPhone and pull up Google to find out why? It was a perfectly senseless and meaningless point that had already gone on too long. Any further effort to discover a rhyme or reason on this matter was just a waste of time. Whatever, I'll bite....
And just as I was about to buy into this BS, Wanger continued, "Yeah, bars were doing this even during the 70's. They were playing 80's music to call it a night even back then."
Alright buddy, hand over the car keys...
As I said, I couldn't have any alcohol, but I could definitely live vicariously through them so I bought them a round and watched them enjoy it while I had my Coke with no ice. After catching up with each other for a good while, the bar suddenly started blasting Michael Jackson's "Beat It". Wanger immediately cut off whatever random conversation that was going on and said to me, "You know bars play 80's music when it's about to close."
I've never done much bar hopping so I didn't really understand his point - I had to ask, "Why's that?" Wanger explained, "They want to everyone to start singing." Chang interrupted, "It's like the climax of a show. They play 80's music." Wanger continued, "It's like those Irish pubs with their soccer songs."
They didn't answer my question; Why 80's music?
So I proceeded to ask, "So 5 to 10 years later they'll be playing 90s music, right?" Wanger replied, "Nah, there's just something about 80s music that gets everyone to sing along."
You see, just about every conversation with my buddies are of this nature - circular and inconsequential. What else can I do? Whip out my iPhone and pull up Google to find out why? It was a perfectly senseless and meaningless point that had already gone on too long. Any further effort to discover a rhyme or reason on this matter was just a waste of time. Whatever, I'll bite....
And just as I was about to buy into this BS, Wanger continued, "Yeah, bars were doing this even during the 70's. They were playing 80's music to call it a night even back then."
Alright buddy, hand over the car keys...
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Mom's Words of Wisdom
It's Friday night. My wife and I were both preparing dinner. We were also babysitting our niece. She was getting a little restless so I whipped out our secret weapon - the dancing baby video. She totally loves this video. As expected, it calmed her down. But as with any child her age, we had to keep play this video over and over and over again. Unless you've been living under rock, you already know that this video has a baby dancing to the "Hooked on a Feeling" tune. My wife and I basically listened to this song while preparing dinner. After a while I got into the rhythm and started singing along at the top of my lungs. A funny thing happened not too long after that...
My wife said to me, "Can you just be quiet?"
I turned towards her and jokingly said, "Honey, I am singing for you."
I smiled and continued, "I'm just trying to be romantic."
My wife replied, "I'm tired. I'm in no mood to be romantic. I just want some peace and quiet."
This little exchange reminded me of something my mother said to me years ago - it was during a period of my life where I was bouncing from one girlfriend to another and my mother was disappointed that I refused to settle down with one.
My mother told me that if I want to keep a women, romantic little tricks don't work. I had to show them I'm mature, stable, reliable, and dependable. She told me dad used to serenade her all the time, it was quite romantic then....
but these days anything romantic amounts to fart (in chinese pin yin: xian zai lang man suan ge pi), I just consider his songs a passing breeze (in chinese pin yin: wo jiu dang ta de ge er bian feng)
How true my mom's words ring about a decade later.
My wife said to me, "Can you just be quiet?"
I turned towards her and jokingly said, "Honey, I am singing for you."
I smiled and continued, "I'm just trying to be romantic."
My wife replied, "I'm tired. I'm in no mood to be romantic. I just want some peace and quiet."
This little exchange reminded me of something my mother said to me years ago - it was during a period of my life where I was bouncing from one girlfriend to another and my mother was disappointed that I refused to settle down with one.
My mother told me that if I want to keep a women, romantic little tricks don't work. I had to show them I'm mature, stable, reliable, and dependable. She told me dad used to serenade her all the time, it was quite romantic then....
but these days anything romantic amounts to fart (in chinese pin yin: xian zai lang man suan ge pi), I just consider his songs a passing breeze (in chinese pin yin: wo jiu dang ta de ge er bian feng)
How true my mom's words ring about a decade later.
Friday, December 7, 2007
My Highly Ineffective Brain
I came across this article a while back:
The Ten Habits of Highly Effective Brains
and I finally understand why I'm a total tard. Here is the executive summary of the article:
1st habit (Use it or Lose it) and 5th habit (Challenge your brain). I watch too much sports on TV and when I'm not doing that I'm blogging or watching a senseless movie like South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut. Too much passive stimulation so 1st and 5th habit are definitely out.
2nd habit (Nutrition). I love my ice cream, fat of the steak, krispy kremes, etc. No nutrition either.
3rd habit (Exercise your body). Used to be true - I used to exercise regularly, but definitely not recently.
4th habit (Stay positive). I stay positive until things get rough then I start blaming everything on my wife. Scratch this one off the list.
6th habit (Aim High). Yes! I aim high very often, but so far I'm missed badly every time I've aimed high. Scratch this one as well.
7th habit (Explore and Travel). I enjoy exploring and traveling to different places. I think about exploring and traveling to different places, but I can't miss the Patriots going 16-0 in the regular season or 49ers getting a 1st down. Still nothing.
8th habit (Make your own decisions). I don't even need to answer this one. I'm completely lost without my wife as described in a past blog entry. Still nadda.
9th habit (Stimulating friendships). At the rate I'm alienating everyone on this blog, friendship is definitely out of the question.
Only one more left...
1oth habit (Laugh often). Yes! I finally have one. I definitely laugh often, very often...at my own stupidity.
Conclusion - I have a highly ineffective brain...
Not all is lost, I did learn something from this...
Mom and Dad, you're off the hook. It's not your fault I'm a complete idiot. Don't blame yourself for my complete failure at everything I do. I'm sure your genes are great. I just never utilized them. You are great parents, but I just never listened. As you can tell, most of my retardation is due to my own bad habits. It's actually because my wife pampers me so often that I never get to practice any of the good habits describe above. So really. Mom. Dad. It's not your fault. It's my wife's fault. It's your daughter-in-law's fault. Blame it on her.
Honey, sorry to out you like this, but my highly ineffective brain doesn't allow me to realize that I'm treading on thin ice until it's too late...
The original article: http://www.sharpbrains.com/blog/2007/08/22/10-habits-of-highly-effective-brains/
The Ten Habits of Highly Effective Brains
and I finally understand why I'm a total tard. Here is the executive summary of the article:
- Use it or Lose it
- Nutrition
- Exercise Your Body
- Stay Positive
- Challenge Your Brain
- Aim High
- Explore and Travel
- Make Your Own Decisions
- Stimulating Friendships
- Laugh Often
1st habit (Use it or Lose it) and 5th habit (Challenge your brain). I watch too much sports on TV and when I'm not doing that I'm blogging or watching a senseless movie like South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut. Too much passive stimulation so 1st and 5th habit are definitely out.
2nd habit (Nutrition). I love my ice cream, fat of the steak, krispy kremes, etc. No nutrition either.
3rd habit (Exercise your body). Used to be true - I used to exercise regularly, but definitely not recently.
4th habit (Stay positive). I stay positive until things get rough then I start blaming everything on my wife. Scratch this one off the list.
6th habit (Aim High). Yes! I aim high very often, but so far I'm missed badly every time I've aimed high. Scratch this one as well.
7th habit (Explore and Travel). I enjoy exploring and traveling to different places. I think about exploring and traveling to different places, but I can't miss the Patriots going 16-0 in the regular season or 49ers getting a 1st down. Still nothing.
8th habit (Make your own decisions). I don't even need to answer this one. I'm completely lost without my wife as described in a past blog entry. Still nadda.
9th habit (Stimulating friendships). At the rate I'm alienating everyone on this blog, friendship is definitely out of the question.
Only one more left...
1oth habit (Laugh often). Yes! I finally have one. I definitely laugh often, very often...at my own stupidity.
Conclusion - I have a highly ineffective brain...
Not all is lost, I did learn something from this...
Mom and Dad, you're off the hook. It's not your fault I'm a complete idiot. Don't blame yourself for my complete failure at everything I do. I'm sure your genes are great. I just never utilized them. You are great parents, but I just never listened. As you can tell, most of my retardation is due to my own bad habits. It's actually because my wife pampers me so often that I never get to practice any of the good habits describe above. So really. Mom. Dad. It's not your fault. It's my wife's fault. It's your daughter-in-law's fault. Blame it on her.
Honey, sorry to out you like this, but my highly ineffective brain doesn't allow me to realize that I'm treading on thin ice until it's too late...
The original article: http://www.sharpbrains.com/blog/2007/08/22/10-habits-of-highly-effective-brains/
Thursday, December 6, 2007
A bag of hot coffee, please ...
This morning, I went through the drive through at the Burger King in Brentwood, CA (the one in the SF Bay Area, not the one that O.J. is from), and I ordered a large coffee. So, I go to the window and pay for the coffee. The girl then hands me the coffee in, get this, a paper bag. Is that the stupidest thing you ever heard? Then the conversation goes like this:
Me: "You can keep the bag."
Her: "I have to give it to you in the bag."
Me: "Why?"
Her: "That's the rules".
Me: "Why?"
Her: "In case it spills".
I don't know if this is Burger King's corporate policy, or if it is just the policy of this one Burger King, but it just seems wrong. Who serves drinks in bags? It's a waste of paper. In this age of conservation, someone should sue Burger King for wasting paper.
Me: "You can keep the bag."
Her: "I have to give it to you in the bag."
Me: "Why?"
Her: "That's the rules".
Me: "Why?"
Her: "In case it spills".
I don't know if this is Burger King's corporate policy, or if it is just the policy of this one Burger King, but it just seems wrong. Who serves drinks in bags? It's a waste of paper. In this age of conservation, someone should sue Burger King for wasting paper.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Technology Bubble 2.0
This is an absolutely hilarious video about the "second wave" of technology innovation that's going on in Silicon Valley.
Illegal Black Market Transactions
My friend received this hilarious message in his spam folder:
------ Forwarded Message
From: Black market <XXX- EMAIL OMITTED -XXX>
Date: Wed, 28 Nov 2007 20:19:18 +0100
To: [XX - EMAIL ADDRESS OMITTED - XX]
Subject: [POSSIBLE SPAM] Black market
Black market is online again !
1. Heroin, in liquid and crystal form.
2. Rocket fuel and Tomohawk rockets (serious enquiries only).
3. Other rockets (Air-to-Air), orders in batches of 10.
4. New shipment of cocaine has arrived, buy 9 grams and get 10th for free.
5. We also offer gay-slaves for sale, we offer only such service on the NET,
you can choose the one you like, then get straight to business.
6. Fake currencies, such as Euros and US dollars, prices would match competition.
7. Also, as always, we offer widest range of [XX - OMITTED -XX] and exclusive lolita galleries, to keep out clients busy.
Everyone is welcome, be it in States or any other place worldwide.
ATTENTION. Clearance offer. Buy 30 grams of heroin, get 5 free.
Prepay your batch of rockets (air-to-air) and recieve a portable rocket-lacuncher.
For security reasons, please email me if you want to get address of our online shop.
XXX- EMAIL OMITTED -XXX
------ End of Forwarded Message
This is too funny. "Black Market" has every illegal business covered. I can just imagine the conversation between Black Market and a potential buyer...
Buyer calls Black Market and Black Market Customer Service Representative (CSR) picks up the phone...
CSR: Good afternoon sir. Thank you for calling Black Market. My name is John Doe. I will be your customer service representative today. How can I help you?
Buyer: Hi, I saw your promotional clearance offer - buy 30 grams of heroin and get 5 grams free. Put me in for 60 grams.
CSR: Ok. While I'm inputting your heroin order, can I interest you in some Tomahawk rockets for any potential terrorist endeavors?
Buyer: You carry Tomahawks? Well, in that case, I'll take 5 of them.
CSR: Sorry sir, We can only take orders in batches of 10. We need to know you are a serious buyer. Terrorism should not be taken lightly.
Buyer: Of course. In that case, let's make it 20 Tomahawks.
CSR: Great! I'll start putting in the order right now. While I'm doing that sir, can I interest you in a sex slaves? We are currently offering such services exclusively through the Internet, but my manager told me that I can offer it to buyers who buy 10 or more Tomahawks. Interested?
Buyer: Hmmm, you know I don't really need the 10 free grams of heroin from my 60 gram purchase. Can I exchange it for a sex slave?
CSR: Let me ask my manager. Please hold sir.
[....elevator music....]
CSR: Thank you for holding sir. My manager said that we can only do the exchange for a sex slave on purchases of 120 grams of heroin or more.
Buyer: Ok, put me in for 120 grams of heroin.
CSR: No problemo. What type of sex slave are you looking for, sir?
Buyer: Gay Asian male.
CSR: Ok sir, let me do a quick check against our database to see what's available
Buyer: Ok
CSR: Ok, we have 2 possible matches. It looks like we have a gay male 5 foot 9 inches of Asian ancestry ready for delivery in 2 months. We also have a straight male 5 foot 6 inches of mixed Asian ancestry ready to be shipped out tomorrow. Which one do you want sir?
Buyer: I want the gay one, but I don't want to wait 2 months...
CSR: Sir, these guys are your "slaves". You can do whatever you want with them.
Buyer: Hmmm. My concern with the straight one is he lacks "experience"
CSR: I understand your concern. They're professionals. They're quick learners. Furthermore, you can mentor them. Think of the mentoring as foreplay.
Buyer: That's a very good point - I'll take the straight one then.
CSR: Ok sir, is there anything else I can help you with today?
Buyer: Nope, I think that's it.
CSR: Ok sir, I am confirming your order for 20 Tomahawk rockets and 120 grams of heroin with a complementary Asian male sex slave.
Buyer: Sounds good.
CSR: And since you are our first callers of the day we will be throwing in a free trial packet of fake Euros.
Buyer: Great!
CSR: Please bring the cash to the secret location for the transaction. We will call you back in an hour to tell you where that is.
Buyer: Ok. Thanks a lot for your help!
CSR: No problem sir. Black Market would like to thank you for business. You have a good day sir.
Buyer: Thanks. Bye.
CSR: Bye.
------ Forwarded Message
From: Black market <XXX- EMAIL OMITTED -XXX>
Date: Wed, 28 Nov 2007 20:19:18 +0100
To: [XX - EMAIL ADDRESS OMITTED - XX]
Subject: [POSSIBLE SPAM] Black market
Black market is online again !
1. Heroin, in liquid and crystal form.
2. Rocket fuel and Tomohawk rockets (serious enquiries only).
3. Other rockets (Air-to-Air), orders in batches of 10.
4. New shipment of cocaine has arrived, buy 9 grams and get 10th for free.
5. We also offer gay-slaves for sale, we offer only such service on the NET,
you can choose the one you like, then get straight to business.
6. Fake currencies, such as Euros and US dollars, prices would match competition.
7. Also, as always, we offer widest range of [XX - OMITTED -XX] and exclusive lolita galleries, to keep out clients busy.
Everyone is welcome, be it in States or any other place worldwide.
ATTENTION. Clearance offer. Buy 30 grams of heroin, get 5 free.
Prepay your batch of rockets (air-to-air) and recieve a portable rocket-lacuncher.
For security reasons, please email me if you want to get address of our online shop.
XXX- EMAIL OMITTED -XXX
------ End of Forwarded Message
This is too funny. "Black Market" has every illegal business covered. I can just imagine the conversation between Black Market and a potential buyer...
Buyer calls Black Market and Black Market Customer Service Representative (CSR) picks up the phone...
CSR: Good afternoon sir. Thank you for calling Black Market. My name is John Doe. I will be your customer service representative today. How can I help you?
Buyer: Hi, I saw your promotional clearance offer - buy 30 grams of heroin and get 5 grams free. Put me in for 60 grams.
CSR: Ok. While I'm inputting your heroin order, can I interest you in some Tomahawk rockets for any potential terrorist endeavors?
Buyer: You carry Tomahawks? Well, in that case, I'll take 5 of them.
CSR: Sorry sir, We can only take orders in batches of 10. We need to know you are a serious buyer. Terrorism should not be taken lightly.
Buyer: Of course. In that case, let's make it 20 Tomahawks.
CSR: Great! I'll start putting in the order right now. While I'm doing that sir, can I interest you in a sex slaves? We are currently offering such services exclusively through the Internet, but my manager told me that I can offer it to buyers who buy 10 or more Tomahawks. Interested?
Buyer: Hmmm, you know I don't really need the 10 free grams of heroin from my 60 gram purchase. Can I exchange it for a sex slave?
CSR: Let me ask my manager. Please hold sir.
[....elevator music....]
CSR: Thank you for holding sir. My manager said that we can only do the exchange for a sex slave on purchases of 120 grams of heroin or more.
Buyer: Ok, put me in for 120 grams of heroin.
CSR: No problemo. What type of sex slave are you looking for, sir?
Buyer: Gay Asian male.
CSR: Ok sir, let me do a quick check against our database to see what's available
Buyer: Ok
CSR: Ok, we have 2 possible matches. It looks like we have a gay male 5 foot 9 inches of Asian ancestry ready for delivery in 2 months. We also have a straight male 5 foot 6 inches of mixed Asian ancestry ready to be shipped out tomorrow. Which one do you want sir?
Buyer: I want the gay one, but I don't want to wait 2 months...
CSR: Sir, these guys are your "slaves". You can do whatever you want with them.
Buyer: Hmmm. My concern with the straight one is he lacks "experience"
CSR: I understand your concern. They're professionals. They're quick learners. Furthermore, you can mentor them. Think of the mentoring as foreplay.
Buyer: That's a very good point - I'll take the straight one then.
CSR: Ok sir, is there anything else I can help you with today?
Buyer: Nope, I think that's it.
CSR: Ok sir, I am confirming your order for 20 Tomahawk rockets and 120 grams of heroin with a complementary Asian male sex slave.
Buyer: Sounds good.
CSR: And since you are our first callers of the day we will be throwing in a free trial packet of fake Euros.
Buyer: Great!
CSR: Please bring the cash to the secret location for the transaction. We will call you back in an hour to tell you where that is.
Buyer: Ok. Thanks a lot for your help!
CSR: No problem sir. Black Market would like to thank you for business. You have a good day sir.
Buyer: Thanks. Bye.
CSR: Bye.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Good Niece Evil Niece
In my continuing effort to alienate my sister-in-law and my wife (cross reference my previous blog entries: My Two Wives and Highlights from my niece's birthday party), I will tell everyone that I believe my niece has multiple personalities: Good Niece and Evil Niece. The Good niece is the one that makes me say, "Awww, she so cute. Honey, you think we can take it home for couple of days?" The Evil Niece is the one that makes me say, "What the @%*$ is she whining about? Why the @%*$ won't she shut up?!"
Which one am I going to get? When am I going to get which one? How can I keep Evil Niece at bay?
Here are some past situations of how Good Niece becames Evil Niece:
Situation 1 - Yellow Submarine
My wife and I borrowed our niece and headed to Brentwood, CA for a fruit picking trip. It's a long drive from where we live so we had to make sure we had something to keep her entertained and occupied. A Beatles CD should do it. She enjoyed most of the Beatles songs, but the one that she really fell in love with was Yellow Submarine so we replayed it for her, but this time we made it a sing-along so she can learn it. Boy did she pick it up fast. Smart little thing - The Good Niece is still the dominant personality. She's laughing and singing with no whining or crying in sight. Unfortunately that was the only song she wanted to listen to from that point on and we were still quite far from Brentwood. Enter Evil Niece. We had to do a sing-along to Yellow Submarine for over an hour. I wanted to put a bullet in my head after 30 minutes. After 40 minutes, the thought of throwing her out the car crossed my mind. In the end, thanks to Evil Niece, I now hate Yellow Submarine. The only time I would consider playing it is if Evil Niece throws a temper tantrum and I know that's the only way to calm her down.
Situation 2 - Dancing Baby Video
It's the Thanksgiving weekend. My sister-in-law and her niece are staying over at my place. Good Niece decided to come and play with Uncle JS. I just happen to have the famous Dancing Baby Video handy and I decided to play it for her. Good Niece thought it was the funniest thing in the world and started singing along and mimicking the baby's dancing. I had my wife and my sister-in-law come over to watch Good Niece do her thing. We all thought she was so cute. Can you guess what happened next? Enter Evil Niece. For the rest of the Thanksgiving weekend, every time there was a chance she would come by and start singing, "I can't stop this feeling..." and wanted me to show her the dancing baby video. I'm taking a nap and she wakes me up to ask me, "Show me dancing baby video". I'm watching football and she wants dancing baby video. I'm blogging, she comes up to me...dancing baby video. I'm working in the backyard, she comes out to find, dancing baby video. I'm in the bathroom, "knock knock", dancing baby video. The low point of the whole thing - Imagine my niece, my wife, and I singing and dancing to the dancing baby video. Imagine that. Imagine my hips trying to move like that baby. Yeah, that's pretty embarrassing isn't it.
Situation 3 - Apple Juice
It's 10pm at night. I'm driving home after a full day of activities. My wife, my sister-in-law, and Good Niece are all in the car. My sister-in-law mentioned that Good Niece like to drink apple juice. That's a good thing. Apple juice is good for her. Auntie and Uncle will make you some homemade apple juice when we get home. Enter Evil Niece, "I don't like your apple juice. I don't want to drink your apple juice. I want the apple juice just like home." Ummm, it's 10pm and there's no place to get the crappy Costco sugar water pretending to be "apple juice" that you like. Just like that the whining begins and it did not stop. It's a like a bloody broken record, "waaah apple juice, waaah apple juice..." Mommy chimes in once in a while to tell Evil Niece that there's no way to get apple juice at this time of the night. "waaah apple juice, waah apple juice..." I tell my wife to find the Beatles' Yellow Submarine CD. No luck. "waaah, apple juice, waah, apple juice..." I pick up a scarf, make it into a ball, and tell my sister-in-law to stuff it down Evil Niece's throat. My sister-in-law gives me a dirty look. "waaah, apple juice, waaah, apple juice..." Ok, ok, ok, Uncle JS will show you the dancing baby video when we get home. "waaah, apple juice, waaah, apple juice..." This went on for about 30 minutes, but it felt like 30 hours. The thought of throwing Evil Niece out of the car crosses my mind again.
I give up. The next time my niece is coming to my place I'll make sure I have some apple juice stored away in the frig...
and dearest sister-in-law, here are the videos your daughter loves so much. You can now play it for her anytime she wants - your baby doesn't have to ask Uncle JS to play it for her anymore.
Yellow Submarine:
Dancing Baby:
Which one am I going to get? When am I going to get which one? How can I keep Evil Niece at bay?
Here are some past situations of how Good Niece becames Evil Niece:
Situation 1 - Yellow Submarine
My wife and I borrowed our niece and headed to Brentwood, CA for a fruit picking trip. It's a long drive from where we live so we had to make sure we had something to keep her entertained and occupied. A Beatles CD should do it. She enjoyed most of the Beatles songs, but the one that she really fell in love with was Yellow Submarine so we replayed it for her, but this time we made it a sing-along so she can learn it. Boy did she pick it up fast. Smart little thing - The Good Niece is still the dominant personality. She's laughing and singing with no whining or crying in sight. Unfortunately that was the only song she wanted to listen to from that point on and we were still quite far from Brentwood. Enter Evil Niece. We had to do a sing-along to Yellow Submarine for over an hour. I wanted to put a bullet in my head after 30 minutes. After 40 minutes, the thought of throwing her out the car crossed my mind. In the end, thanks to Evil Niece, I now hate Yellow Submarine. The only time I would consider playing it is if Evil Niece throws a temper tantrum and I know that's the only way to calm her down.
Situation 2 - Dancing Baby Video
It's the Thanksgiving weekend. My sister-in-law and her niece are staying over at my place. Good Niece decided to come and play with Uncle JS. I just happen to have the famous Dancing Baby Video handy and I decided to play it for her. Good Niece thought it was the funniest thing in the world and started singing along and mimicking the baby's dancing. I had my wife and my sister-in-law come over to watch Good Niece do her thing. We all thought she was so cute. Can you guess what happened next? Enter Evil Niece. For the rest of the Thanksgiving weekend, every time there was a chance she would come by and start singing, "I can't stop this feeling..." and wanted me to show her the dancing baby video. I'm taking a nap and she wakes me up to ask me, "Show me dancing baby video". I'm watching football and she wants dancing baby video. I'm blogging, she comes up to me...dancing baby video. I'm working in the backyard, she comes out to find, dancing baby video. I'm in the bathroom, "knock knock", dancing baby video. The low point of the whole thing - Imagine my niece, my wife, and I singing and dancing to the dancing baby video. Imagine that. Imagine my hips trying to move like that baby. Yeah, that's pretty embarrassing isn't it.
Situation 3 - Apple Juice
It's 10pm at night. I'm driving home after a full day of activities. My wife, my sister-in-law, and Good Niece are all in the car. My sister-in-law mentioned that Good Niece like to drink apple juice. That's a good thing. Apple juice is good for her. Auntie and Uncle will make you some homemade apple juice when we get home. Enter Evil Niece, "I don't like your apple juice. I don't want to drink your apple juice. I want the apple juice just like home." Ummm, it's 10pm and there's no place to get the crappy Costco sugar water pretending to be "apple juice" that you like. Just like that the whining begins and it did not stop. It's a like a bloody broken record, "waaah apple juice, waaah apple juice..." Mommy chimes in once in a while to tell Evil Niece that there's no way to get apple juice at this time of the night. "waaah apple juice, waah apple juice..." I tell my wife to find the Beatles' Yellow Submarine CD. No luck. "waaah, apple juice, waah, apple juice..." I pick up a scarf, make it into a ball, and tell my sister-in-law to stuff it down Evil Niece's throat. My sister-in-law gives me a dirty look. "waaah, apple juice, waaah, apple juice..." Ok, ok, ok, Uncle JS will show you the dancing baby video when we get home. "waaah, apple juice, waaah, apple juice..." This went on for about 30 minutes, but it felt like 30 hours. The thought of throwing Evil Niece out of the car crosses my mind again.
I give up. The next time my niece is coming to my place I'll make sure I have some apple juice stored away in the frig...
and dearest sister-in-law, here are the videos your daughter loves so much. You can now play it for her anytime she wants - your baby doesn't have to ask Uncle JS to play it for her anymore.
Yellow Submarine:
Dancing Baby:
Saturday, December 1, 2007
I'm Rock-N-Roll
My wife recently found a new hair stylist. She did a great job on my wife's hair so I figured I'd give her a try as well. We usually share the same hair stylist for the sake of the two-hearts-beat-as-one til-death-us-part crap.
My previous hair stylist would never cut my hair the way I wanted. I would ask him to cut my hair shorter and he would refuse to do it. He would say, "You don't look good with short hair so I'm not doing it." I'd put up with it because the bush on my head would actually look decent after he's done with it and he gives a great head massage while shampooing my hair. The problem was after 2 months I'd start to look like I have a mullet (in case you didn't know - having a mullet is not something to be proud of) and since my wife's changing hair stylists, I figured I'd do the same.
The first positive thing I noticed about my wife's new hair stylists is she's a she. I'd much prefer a female playing around with my hair, particular when it comes to a head massage if you know what I mean. She asked me how would I like my haircut. During this exchange I realize she doesn't speak English very well - this hair salon mainly served Koreans and I don't speak Korean - so I decide to keep it simple and told her to clean it up, but keep the same style.
As she starts working on my hair, we are making small talk like all hair stylists and their clients do. She's very friendly - I try to joke a little with her, but the cultural barrier makes it a little bit difficult. She doesn't want to be rude and gives me a polite laugh here and there - like I said she's very friendly. I also begin to notice that she's pretty good looking as well. Things are beginning look like I'm going to have a new hair stylist. I figured if I spend more time staring at her instead of myself in the mirror, she won't know that I'm a self-absorbed ego-maniac until it's too late.
As she's finishing up, I noticed that she didn't do much to the hair just above my ears. I said to her, "The sides are still long. Make them shorter." She replied with her broken English, "No, no, don't look good short. Grow longer. I will curl later." I thought I misunderstood the last part - "I will curl later". She proceeded to plug the curling iron into the power outlet. I'm thinking I must've misunderstood her, there's no way she's using a curling iron on a man - it's never been done before. She then proceeded to shampoo and blow dry my hair and I began to think that the curling iron thing was just my misunderstanding. After she was done with that, she picked up the curling iron and started curling my hair. No way! She began with curling the back and finished by curling the sides. There was no misunderstanding.
I tried so hard to keep myself from laughing while she was doing this. Once I was done, my wife saw me and a look of confusion covered her face. She wanted to laugh too. I told her, "Don't laugh. Just pay the bill and let's get out of here. Tip the hair stylist extra. This is one of the funniest thing that happened all week." As soon as we made it out of the hair salon we both burst into laughter. My wife said, "You look like a girl!" and I responded, "Oh my god honey, I was biting my tongue to stop myself from laughing the whole time."
After we got into my car, my wife wanted to fix my hair, but I wouldn't let her because we were going to visit my folks and I wanted them to see it. I looked too funny for them to miss this.
Once I stepped into my folk's house, everyone was like, "Did you get a hair cut?" Not the reaction I was expecting. Where was the laughter? Then my brother walked into the room and saw me. First thing out of his mouth was, "Dude, you look that guy in the rock band, Liam Gallagher of Oasis."
Apparently, my curls had "calmed down" to a point where I don't look like a girl anymore, but more like a wannabe rockstar. Here are the pictures for you to decide for yourself.
Me:
Rock Star:
Note the captions above the images just in case you cannot tell the difference because I'm so Rock-N-Roll right now.
Ok, I definitely do not look as cool or as drugged out as him. Nevertheless, it's close enough. I have a new hair stylist now because, in my mind, she makes me look like a rock star.
Dude, I'm Rock-N-Roll...
My previous hair stylist would never cut my hair the way I wanted. I would ask him to cut my hair shorter and he would refuse to do it. He would say, "You don't look good with short hair so I'm not doing it." I'd put up with it because the bush on my head would actually look decent after he's done with it and he gives a great head massage while shampooing my hair. The problem was after 2 months I'd start to look like I have a mullet (in case you didn't know - having a mullet is not something to be proud of) and since my wife's changing hair stylists, I figured I'd do the same.
The first positive thing I noticed about my wife's new hair stylists is she's a she. I'd much prefer a female playing around with my hair, particular when it comes to a head massage if you know what I mean. She asked me how would I like my haircut. During this exchange I realize she doesn't speak English very well - this hair salon mainly served Koreans and I don't speak Korean - so I decide to keep it simple and told her to clean it up, but keep the same style.
As she starts working on my hair, we are making small talk like all hair stylists and their clients do. She's very friendly - I try to joke a little with her, but the cultural barrier makes it a little bit difficult. She doesn't want to be rude and gives me a polite laugh here and there - like I said she's very friendly. I also begin to notice that she's pretty good looking as well. Things are beginning look like I'm going to have a new hair stylist. I figured if I spend more time staring at her instead of myself in the mirror, she won't know that I'm a self-absorbed ego-maniac until it's too late.
As she's finishing up, I noticed that she didn't do much to the hair just above my ears. I said to her, "The sides are still long. Make them shorter." She replied with her broken English, "No, no, don't look good short. Grow longer. I will curl later." I thought I misunderstood the last part - "I will curl later". She proceeded to plug the curling iron into the power outlet. I'm thinking I must've misunderstood her, there's no way she's using a curling iron on a man - it's never been done before. She then proceeded to shampoo and blow dry my hair and I began to think that the curling iron thing was just my misunderstanding. After she was done with that, she picked up the curling iron and started curling my hair. No way! She began with curling the back and finished by curling the sides. There was no misunderstanding.
I tried so hard to keep myself from laughing while she was doing this. Once I was done, my wife saw me and a look of confusion covered her face. She wanted to laugh too. I told her, "Don't laugh. Just pay the bill and let's get out of here. Tip the hair stylist extra. This is one of the funniest thing that happened all week." As soon as we made it out of the hair salon we both burst into laughter. My wife said, "You look like a girl!" and I responded, "Oh my god honey, I was biting my tongue to stop myself from laughing the whole time."
After we got into my car, my wife wanted to fix my hair, but I wouldn't let her because we were going to visit my folks and I wanted them to see it. I looked too funny for them to miss this.
Once I stepped into my folk's house, everyone was like, "Did you get a hair cut?" Not the reaction I was expecting. Where was the laughter? Then my brother walked into the room and saw me. First thing out of his mouth was, "Dude, you look that guy in the rock band, Liam Gallagher of Oasis."
Apparently, my curls had "calmed down" to a point where I don't look like a girl anymore, but more like a wannabe rockstar. Here are the pictures for you to decide for yourself.
Me:
Rock Star:
Note the captions above the images just in case you cannot tell the difference because I'm so Rock-N-Roll right now.
Ok, I definitely do not look as cool or as drugged out as him. Nevertheless, it's close enough. I have a new hair stylist now because, in my mind, she makes me look like a rock star.
Dude, I'm Rock-N-Roll...
Friday, November 30, 2007
Honey, we need to talk....
Wife,
We need to talk. I recently found this article: The 5 Surprising Symptoms of Infidelity and I want you to hear it from me first. According to this article the 5 symptoms of infidelity are:
By the way, I'll be working late tonight and I won't be home for dinner - something came up at the last minute. Don't wait up for me.
Love ya...
We need to talk. I recently found this article: The 5 Surprising Symptoms of Infidelity and I want you to hear it from me first. According to this article the 5 symptoms of infidelity are:
- He doesn't pay his bills on time
- He's a do-gooder
- He's rolling in the dough
- He's a yeller
- He's a mirror hog
By the way, I'll be working late tonight and I won't be home for dinner - something came up at the last minute. Don't wait up for me.
Love ya...
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
My Two Wives
My sister-in-law and her daughter stayed at my place during the Thanksgiving weekend. I was actually looking forward to this because I enjoy having more people around during any event that involves major feasting.
A quick note before I continue - My sister-in-law and I get along very well and I'm going to attempt to ruin that right now just like I did with this blog entry about her daughter
It's Thanksgiving morning. I did not set the alarm clock. There's no need. I was awakened by a frantically ringing door bell this particular morning. It's my sister-in-law. She just arrived at our house. Apparently she wants us to let her in. How self-centered. I stumbled out of my bed and tried to put on some clothes. I'm still half asleep and I almost ate it a couple of times trying to put on my pants while I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, "Hold on! I hear you! I'm on my way!" She continues to ring the door bell frantically. I finally open the door and she see my bed-head and my barely-opened eyes and said, "Why are you still asleep? Took you long enough to get the door. You know, it's freezing outside."
No I didn't, because I was nice and warm in bed until you woke me up, thank you very much...and Happy Thanksgiving to you too sis.
Not too long after that, everyone was getting ready to start the day. My wife and my sister-in-law were both working out the plan for the next few days and I was preparing to clean the hardwood floors. As I was prepping things I heard my sister-in-law make a comment to my wife, "JS is such a good husband to help you with the house chores." My wife immediately replies, "He's just doing it for show because you're here today. This is the first time he's done anything like this."
I'm flabbergasted - that's a flat out lie. Obviously, my wife was being sarcastic. Regardless, I felt a strong urge to defend myself by telling everyone that my wife and I decided the night before that I'm cleaning the hardwood floors and she's preparing the Thanksgiving dinner because the other way around would be a complete disaster.
Well, the sisters smelled blood and it's a sign of things to come.
Before lunch even rolled around, they had taken away what little power I had left. They both were ganging up on me on just about everything. If I said something and my wife disagreed with me, they both would disagree with me. If I did something and my sister-in-law didn't like it, the both of them wouldn't like it. Dear god, they were tag-teaming me any chance they could.
They're having way too much fun.
Ok, I get it - a wife is supposed to make their husband feel completely incompetent. I know it's a time-honored tradition among married women, but I now have two married women in my house making me feel like a complete retard. Slowly, but surely I begin to realized what I've signed up for...
Two Wives for Thanksgiving.
I feel sick. Let me tell you, there's nothing to give thanks about. By letting my sister-in-law stay with us for the next several days I've effectively gained additional responsibilities without any of the benefits. To make matters worse there's a whining little 5 year old involved!
I realized the predicament I'm in so I resort to the only option any reasonable man can come up with - I completely withdraw from any social interaction with them by pretending like I'm doing something really important. This plan works for about 30 minutes until everyone begins to settle into their chores for the day. My wife is in the kitchen preparing our Thanksgiving dinner. My sister-in-law is in the living room babysitting her daughter and helping out my wife as required.
Suddenly my wife calls out to me from the kitchen, "Honey, can you help me find a scissor? There should be one in the bathroom."
I purposely do not answer for fear that the both of them will use this as opportunity to gang up on me again. I try to sneak out into the backyard, but suddenly I hear another voice repeat the same thing, "Honey, can you help me find a scissor? There should be one in the bathroom." This voice didn't come from the kitchen. It came from the living room. It's my sister-in-law.
Dude...
The both of them do this for the rest of the Thanksgiving weekend. I hear everything that starts with "Honey" twice.
"Honey, can you take out the garbage?" Two seconds later I hear an echo, "Honey, can you take out the garbage?"
"Honey, can you clean this up?" Two seconds later, I hear an echo, "Honey, can you clean this up?"
Very friggin funny...
Sister-in-law's husband - I know why you were out-of-town. You've been married for a while now. You've probably been there and saw this coming. I took one for the team. You owe me.
Other family members who's reading this and can't believe I painted my wife and my sister-in-law in such a negative light - Go ahead tell them about what I've written. Tell all the other family members that I went overboard with this. I dare you. I'm empowered. I'm a bloody blogger. I've got stuff on you too and I can be very prolific.
A quick note before I continue - My sister-in-law and I get along very well and I'm going to attempt to ruin that right now just like I did with this blog entry about her daughter
It's Thanksgiving morning. I did not set the alarm clock. There's no need. I was awakened by a frantically ringing door bell this particular morning. It's my sister-in-law. She just arrived at our house. Apparently she wants us to let her in. How self-centered. I stumbled out of my bed and tried to put on some clothes. I'm still half asleep and I almost ate it a couple of times trying to put on my pants while I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, "Hold on! I hear you! I'm on my way!" She continues to ring the door bell frantically. I finally open the door and she see my bed-head and my barely-opened eyes and said, "Why are you still asleep? Took you long enough to get the door. You know, it's freezing outside."
No I didn't, because I was nice and warm in bed until you woke me up, thank you very much...and Happy Thanksgiving to you too sis.
Not too long after that, everyone was getting ready to start the day. My wife and my sister-in-law were both working out the plan for the next few days and I was preparing to clean the hardwood floors. As I was prepping things I heard my sister-in-law make a comment to my wife, "JS is such a good husband to help you with the house chores." My wife immediately replies, "He's just doing it for show because you're here today. This is the first time he's done anything like this."
I'm flabbergasted - that's a flat out lie. Obviously, my wife was being sarcastic. Regardless, I felt a strong urge to defend myself by telling everyone that my wife and I decided the night before that I'm cleaning the hardwood floors and she's preparing the Thanksgiving dinner because the other way around would be a complete disaster.
Well, the sisters smelled blood and it's a sign of things to come.
Before lunch even rolled around, they had taken away what little power I had left. They both were ganging up on me on just about everything. If I said something and my wife disagreed with me, they both would disagree with me. If I did something and my sister-in-law didn't like it, the both of them wouldn't like it. Dear god, they were tag-teaming me any chance they could.
They're having way too much fun.
Ok, I get it - a wife is supposed to make their husband feel completely incompetent. I know it's a time-honored tradition among married women, but I now have two married women in my house making me feel like a complete retard. Slowly, but surely I begin to realized what I've signed up for...
Two Wives for Thanksgiving.
I feel sick. Let me tell you, there's nothing to give thanks about. By letting my sister-in-law stay with us for the next several days I've effectively gained additional responsibilities without any of the benefits. To make matters worse there's a whining little 5 year old involved!
I realized the predicament I'm in so I resort to the only option any reasonable man can come up with - I completely withdraw from any social interaction with them by pretending like I'm doing something really important. This plan works for about 30 minutes until everyone begins to settle into their chores for the day. My wife is in the kitchen preparing our Thanksgiving dinner. My sister-in-law is in the living room babysitting her daughter and helping out my wife as required.
Suddenly my wife calls out to me from the kitchen, "Honey, can you help me find a scissor? There should be one in the bathroom."
I purposely do not answer for fear that the both of them will use this as opportunity to gang up on me again. I try to sneak out into the backyard, but suddenly I hear another voice repeat the same thing, "Honey, can you help me find a scissor? There should be one in the bathroom." This voice didn't come from the kitchen. It came from the living room. It's my sister-in-law.
Dude...
The both of them do this for the rest of the Thanksgiving weekend. I hear everything that starts with "Honey" twice.
"Honey, can you take out the garbage?" Two seconds later I hear an echo, "Honey, can you take out the garbage?"
"Honey, can you clean this up?" Two seconds later, I hear an echo, "Honey, can you clean this up?"
Very friggin funny...
Sister-in-law's husband - I know why you were out-of-town. You've been married for a while now. You've probably been there and saw this coming. I took one for the team. You owe me.
Other family members who's reading this and can't believe I painted my wife and my sister-in-law in such a negative light - Go ahead tell them about what I've written. Tell all the other family members that I went overboard with this. I dare you. I'm empowered. I'm a bloody blogger. I've got stuff on you too and I can be very prolific.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Cringe Worthy: A Man-Cupid As A Ringbearer
Now I'm not one to take a cheap shot at stuff like this, but I'm making an exception for this one because it's just too good to pass up. My wife showed me this posting on liba.com's forum:
http://bbs.sh.liba.com/topic.php?forumId=48&topicId=2014768&page=26
A lady posted the pictures of her recent wedding ceremony here. She also described the dialogue and the sequence of each event in detail. My wife and I were cringing as we read through these postings. It's actually a lot like watching Ricky Gervais in The Office or Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm except this is real. These folks actually though this was a good idea. The posting is completely in Chinese. If you know how to read Chinese, click on the link above to see how cringe-worthy this wedding was. If you don't know how to read Chinese or you don't wish to waste your time, just check out this picture from the wedding:
(click here to see the original posting with the above image)
A picture is worth a thousand words. This picture basically sums up what's wrong with the wedding - They had a Man-Cupid as the Ringbearer!
I'm speechless...
Check out the dude sitting just left of the Man-Cupid. Look at his expression. He's like, "What the hell? It's the Archangel Gabriel! Wait, no, it's a friggin Man-Cupid Ringbearer! What the @#$%?! I knew it! I knew the bride and groom were licking acid while planning this wedding. I can't believe I'm related to these frigtards. Oh god! The photographer just took a picture of me with this ridiculous Man-Cupid and the bride's gonna put this image on the Internet so every idiot blogger can make fun of me."
My wife and I were laughing so hard when we saw this picture that we both realized that I needed to blog this.
http://bbs.sh.liba.com/topic.php?forumId=48&topicId=2014768&page=26
A lady posted the pictures of her recent wedding ceremony here. She also described the dialogue and the sequence of each event in detail. My wife and I were cringing as we read through these postings. It's actually a lot like watching Ricky Gervais in The Office or Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm except this is real. These folks actually though this was a good idea. The posting is completely in Chinese. If you know how to read Chinese, click on the link above to see how cringe-worthy this wedding was. If you don't know how to read Chinese or you don't wish to waste your time, just check out this picture from the wedding:
(click here to see the original posting with the above image)
A picture is worth a thousand words. This picture basically sums up what's wrong with the wedding - They had a Man-Cupid as the Ringbearer!
I'm speechless...
Check out the dude sitting just left of the Man-Cupid. Look at his expression. He's like, "What the hell? It's the Archangel Gabriel! Wait, no, it's a friggin Man-Cupid Ringbearer! What the @#$%?! I knew it! I knew the bride and groom were licking acid while planning this wedding. I can't believe I'm related to these frigtards. Oh god! The photographer just took a picture of me with this ridiculous Man-Cupid and the bride's gonna put this image on the Internet so every idiot blogger can make fun of me."
My wife and I were laughing so hard when we saw this picture that we both realized that I needed to blog this.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
The worst crepe I've ever eaten and I blame it on my wife
We are in Walnut Creek, CA. My wife and I just finished dinner. We had Japanese. This place was horrible so I was still itching to get some decent eats. I was not happy. During our stroll back to the car, I began lecturing her (actually it was more like whining) about how we should never go to restaurants that are in the Entertainment Book, "Honey, these restaurants are in the Entertainment Book because they suck. The only way they can get customers in the door is with discount coupons. We're not buying these books again. It's a waste of money. Wait, we should buy it so we know which ones to avoid..."
I'm on a roll. I'm excelling at being a total brat. I'm going on and on and on and just as my wife was going to plug her ears I fall silent. My jaw drops to the ground because I see Crepes A Go Go.
We didn't have dessert yet!
I am a Buddhist reaching Nirvana. I am a Muslim at Mecca. I am a Christian standing on a beach who just saw Mother Mary in the billowing waves. I AM A MAN WHO JUST HAD A CRAPPY DINNER AND REALIZED HE CAN SALVAGE THE NIGHT WITH A GOOD DESSERT!
I love Crepes A Go Go - particular the one in San Francisco. It's time to give the one in Walnut Creek a try. I think I started skipping. I turned to my wife and said, "Honey we are having crepe for dessert." She replied, "I don't like dessert crepe, besides I'm too full right now."
I did the right thing - I ignored her and dragged her into Crepes A Go Go. I ordered a Fresh Strawberries Nutella Crepe. I asked her what she wanted and she said, "I told you I'm not eating anything..."
Fine, your loss honey...
We sat down and the waitress brought us the crepe.
I am Al Gore winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I started digging into the crepe. I was tearing it apart and shoving it down my throat like a lion who's having his first meal in a month. I am the King of the Beast. Then I realized something - I was the only one with a Nutella goatee. My wife looked completely dejected watching me eat. I wiped off my goatee and offered her a piece.
She looked at me and said, "I told you I'm too full to eat anything right now and I also told you I do not like dessert crepe."
What?! Are you high?! You don't like dessert crepe?!
Of course I didn't say that to her, but it's what I was thinking. I insisted and proceeded to offer her a piece of the crepe again. She just shook her head and I realized something...
It doesn't matter how good the food is if I can't share it with my wife - it's only good if I can enjoy it with loved ones. The crepe didn't taste good anymore. I couldn't take another bite.
Thanks wife. You totally ruined it for me. I am a cockroach trying to making my way in this world and you just crushed me with your sandals.
[Crepes A Go Go: 1432 N. Main St., Walnut Creek, CA 94596, (925) 944-5790]
I'm on a roll. I'm excelling at being a total brat. I'm going on and on and on and just as my wife was going to plug her ears I fall silent. My jaw drops to the ground because I see Crepes A Go Go.
We didn't have dessert yet!
I am a Buddhist reaching Nirvana. I am a Muslim at Mecca. I am a Christian standing on a beach who just saw Mother Mary in the billowing waves. I AM A MAN WHO JUST HAD A CRAPPY DINNER AND REALIZED HE CAN SALVAGE THE NIGHT WITH A GOOD DESSERT!
I love Crepes A Go Go - particular the one in San Francisco. It's time to give the one in Walnut Creek a try. I think I started skipping. I turned to my wife and said, "Honey we are having crepe for dessert." She replied, "I don't like dessert crepe, besides I'm too full right now."
I did the right thing - I ignored her and dragged her into Crepes A Go Go. I ordered a Fresh Strawberries Nutella Crepe. I asked her what she wanted and she said, "I told you I'm not eating anything..."
Fine, your loss honey...
We sat down and the waitress brought us the crepe.
I am Al Gore winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I started digging into the crepe. I was tearing it apart and shoving it down my throat like a lion who's having his first meal in a month. I am the King of the Beast. Then I realized something - I was the only one with a Nutella goatee. My wife looked completely dejected watching me eat. I wiped off my goatee and offered her a piece.
She looked at me and said, "I told you I'm too full to eat anything right now and I also told you I do not like dessert crepe."
What?! Are you high?! You don't like dessert crepe?!
Of course I didn't say that to her, but it's what I was thinking. I insisted and proceeded to offer her a piece of the crepe again. She just shook her head and I realized something...
It doesn't matter how good the food is if I can't share it with my wife - it's only good if I can enjoy it with loved ones. The crepe didn't taste good anymore. I couldn't take another bite.
Thanks wife. You totally ruined it for me. I am a cockroach trying to making my way in this world and you just crushed me with your sandals.
[Crepes A Go Go: 1432 N. Main St., Walnut Creek, CA 94596, (925) 944-5790]
Saturday, November 24, 2007
I can do it too? Really? Yeah right...
I've read Tim Ferriss's The 4-Hour Work Week - I personally think what he has to say is very interesting and very doable. He recently gave a quick discussion about how to learn any language in 1 hour on his blog: How to Learn (But Not Master) Any Language in 1 Hour (Plus: A Favor)
Ok, what is Tim smoking? I can do it too? Really? Yeah right...
Actually, this thing is classic Tim Ferriss. I guess he's serious. Well, I'm trying to learn Spanish anyways. It would be nice to get past "hola", "adios", "gracias", "cerveza por favor" and "donde esta el bano?". I'll give it a try. I'll let you know how it goes.
Ok, what is Tim smoking? I can do it too? Really? Yeah right...
Actually, this thing is classic Tim Ferriss. I guess he's serious. Well, I'm trying to learn Spanish anyways. It would be nice to get past "hola", "adios", "gracias", "cerveza por favor" and "donde esta el bano?". I'll give it a try. I'll let you know how it goes.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Dear Boston, please send some of your Sports Mojo to San Francisco
Dear Boston, MA
We (San Francisco) envy you. Your recent success in professional sports can only be matched by our utter failure.
Your beloved Boston Red Sox recently won the World Series by crushing the Colorado Rockies 4-0. Since it seems inevitable that A-Rod will re-join the hated Yankees, they will just be good enough to not win the World Series which leaves the doors open for you guys. Your New England Patriots have captivated the entire sports nation with the march towards the perfect season. The worst that can happen is you may lose a game and be imperfect, but you will win your 4th Lombardi Trophy in 7 years barring any major injuries. Your Boston Celtics, after an initially rough offseason, landed Kevin Garnett hailing the 2nd coming of the Big Three immediately taking the team from bottom feeders to definite playoff and possible championship contender.
We, on the other hand, have the San Francisco Giants and the Oakland A's - bottom feeders of their division last season. It will likely be the same next season. We had Barriod Bonds, but half of us never really cared for him anyways. The San Francisco 49ers are going to have yet another losing season. They are literally half a football team - they have no offensive. Have you ever tried to watch an entire Niners game this season? Don't bother it's painful. The Oakland Raiders are the Oakland Raiders. They don't even have enough fans to fill the stadium - most home games are blacked out on TV. To add insult to injury, the coach constantly tease the few but dedicated Raiders fans by not playing their number draft pick, JaMarcus Russell. And there's the Golden State Warriors. They gave us such high expectations by taking out the Dallas Mavericks in the first round of the playoffs last season only to lose their first 6 games of the seasons landing them last in the Pacific standing. Guess who's next to last? You got it, the Sacramento Kings.
It's apparent that you, Boston, have all the Sports Mojo and we don't. Please share some of it with us. We could really use some right now.
In some sense you owe us. You might be asking us "Why?"
Well, here are 2 reasons:
1) Tom Brady
He grew up in San Mateo, CA. We raised him for you. Everyone compares him to Joe Montana because he probably grew up watching him. Boston, he is your poster boy for all the winning in your part of town because he learned from the best - Joe Montana.
2) Randy Moss
We did you a big favor with Randy. We filtered all the bad stuff out his system in Oakland and now he's going to break Jerry Rice's single season touchdown record. You know how much that hurts? Jerry Rice is a god in San Francisco and Randy, the guy we cleaned up for you, is going to top Jerry. That really hurts.
You owe us big time...
Yeah, I know there's still a long ways to go with the Pats and Celtics, but don't tell me Bostonians aren't enjoying the ride.
So, Boston, please send us some of your Sports Mojo. Thank you.
Regards,
San Francisco, CA
We (San Francisco) envy you. Your recent success in professional sports can only be matched by our utter failure.
Your beloved Boston Red Sox recently won the World Series by crushing the Colorado Rockies 4-0. Since it seems inevitable that A-Rod will re-join the hated Yankees, they will just be good enough to not win the World Series which leaves the doors open for you guys. Your New England Patriots have captivated the entire sports nation with the march towards the perfect season. The worst that can happen is you may lose a game and be imperfect, but you will win your 4th Lombardi Trophy in 7 years barring any major injuries. Your Boston Celtics, after an initially rough offseason, landed Kevin Garnett hailing the 2nd coming of the Big Three immediately taking the team from bottom feeders to definite playoff and possible championship contender.
We, on the other hand, have the San Francisco Giants and the Oakland A's - bottom feeders of their division last season. It will likely be the same next season. We had Barriod Bonds, but half of us never really cared for him anyways. The San Francisco 49ers are going to have yet another losing season. They are literally half a football team - they have no offensive. Have you ever tried to watch an entire Niners game this season? Don't bother it's painful. The Oakland Raiders are the Oakland Raiders. They don't even have enough fans to fill the stadium - most home games are blacked out on TV. To add insult to injury, the coach constantly tease the few but dedicated Raiders fans by not playing their number draft pick, JaMarcus Russell. And there's the Golden State Warriors. They gave us such high expectations by taking out the Dallas Mavericks in the first round of the playoffs last season only to lose their first 6 games of the seasons landing them last in the Pacific standing. Guess who's next to last? You got it, the Sacramento Kings.
It's apparent that you, Boston, have all the Sports Mojo and we don't. Please share some of it with us. We could really use some right now.
In some sense you owe us. You might be asking us "Why?"
Well, here are 2 reasons:
1) Tom Brady
He grew up in San Mateo, CA. We raised him for you. Everyone compares him to Joe Montana because he probably grew up watching him. Boston, he is your poster boy for all the winning in your part of town because he learned from the best - Joe Montana.
2) Randy Moss
We did you a big favor with Randy. We filtered all the bad stuff out his system in Oakland and now he's going to break Jerry Rice's single season touchdown record. You know how much that hurts? Jerry Rice is a god in San Francisco and Randy, the guy we cleaned up for you, is going to top Jerry. That really hurts.
You owe us big time...
Yeah, I know there's still a long ways to go with the Pats and Celtics, but don't tell me Bostonians aren't enjoying the ride.
So, Boston, please send us some of your Sports Mojo. Thank you.
Regards,
San Francisco, CA
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